


Cecilie The Hopeless Lesbian

by Varewulf



Series: Cecilie And Linda [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Cecilie's POV, Confession, F/F, I'm too much of a softie, Minor Angst, Mostly Fluff, POV First Person, Romance, Yuri, hopeless girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 00:55:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10753353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varewulf/pseuds/Varewulf
Summary: Cecilie is in love for the first time in her 20 years of being alive, but confessing to her crush is a lot harder than she was hoping.





	1. Smooth Operator

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a short story experiment, seeing how I got on with writing romance. I found it to be a lot of fun, so it became a trilogy of Cecilie's efforts to ask Linda out. And more has come of it since. I'll be posting what I have as I get it ready, and any new chapters I get ideas for in the future.

_You can do this,_ I tell myself. _Just like you've practiced. You're ready._

It doesn't take me long to find her, so I stroll up to the table she's sitting at. Being all nonchalant and cool about it, I call out to her.

"Hey, Linda!"

"Yes?" She looks up at me with those deep, blue eyes, and I forget how to breathe.

I'm not sure how long I stand there before she speaks up again. "Cecilie? Did you want something?"

I think I let out a squeak, I'm not entirely sure. Act cool!

"Um, h-hi, how a- how- w-what... are..." She gives me a quizzical look.  _Retreat, retreat!_ "I'm s-sorry, I-I have t-to... go. Now."

I barely manage to not outright run as I flee the library. I scurry down the hallway and into the nearest bathroom where I hide in a stall.

Damn it. Why does she have to be so small and cute and beautiful? I hug my knees as I sit down, and feel like I might cry. I must have looked like a complete idiot! What does she think of me now...

20 years. For 20 years I had been fine, and then I saw Linda walk into the lecture hall one morning. Now look at me. I'm a mess. Is this what adult life is like?

"Ugh!" I groan out loud before I think about whether anyone else might be in here. I hope no one heard that... get a grip, Cecilie! _You're an adult!_

Even in my head I don't sound very convincing right now. I take out my phone as a distraction, and see the time.

 _Crap!_ The next lecture is starting in about one minute. How long have I been in here? I grab some paper to quickly dry my eyes as I rush out.

"Shit, shit shit..." I mutter to myself as I sprint towards the lecture hall.

Of course everyone looks at me as I barge in, but I have bigger things to worry about right now. I see the professor give me an annoyed look as I head up and find a seat, but it doesn't seem to have broken his stride, as he continues right where I assume he left off. At least Linda doesn't take this subject, so I don't have to face her right now.

We have talked before! We study together for gods' sake! I've been able to have conversations with this cute girl, this wonderful... no, don't get distracted again, bad me. I learned her name, we talked about things, some of her hobbies... I realised why I felt so weird when looking at her, and even more so when near her. I've been working up my nerve for ages, and then... how did it go so wrong?

Maybe I'm hopeless... surely not everyone has this much trouble? Because then no one would be going out... oh no, I can feel my face heating up again at the mere thought. Oh no. How red did I look when I tried to ask Linda out? I wish the earth would open up and swallow me whole!

I manage to pay some attention to the lecture, but in my panic I completely missed the first chunk of it. At least I can look up the material later.

I don't dare leave the hall during the break on the off-chance that I run into Linda, but once the lecture is over I have to. It was my last one of the day, so maybe I can manage to get home before I die of shame.

I have managed to calm down a little. What do I do now, though? I have to try again, right? Things are going to be unbearably awkward if I try to just ignore this ever happened. I could just stop going to the lectures I share with Linda, and stay away from her forever.

No, I can't. I grasp my own head in frustration. I'm not a good enough student that I can manage entirely on self-study. And Linda and I study together three times a week. Losing that would be bad... and never seeing her again would be worse.

"Ow!" I... walked into the door. I got too preoccupied with my own thoughts. Do I have a nosebleed? It kinda feels like I might. I take out a tissue to check, but there's no blood. Thank the gods for that. I'm going to feel this for a while, though. Stupid. I'm so stupid.

I don't know if anyone saw that, but I also don't care that much right now. While embarrassing, it would be nowhere near the peak I hit earlier.

Getting outside into the fresh air feels good. It is technically Spring, but it's not that warm yet. I take out my scarf and wrap it snugly around my neck. Just let me get home without further incident.

Maybe I should try again tomorrow? I think to myself as I walk over to the subway station. Or maybe I should stay at home. I'm feeling a bit dizzy, and everything hurts. Maybe my heart most of all.


	2. Head in the Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After taking a day off to heal a bit, Cecilie returns to the university and Linda.

I went back to uni on Wednesday. I genuinely wasn't feeling well yesterday considering my clumsiness the day before, so at least I won't have to entirely lie about the reason for my absence. My skull still hurts a bit.

After the first lecture there is a free period before the next one. Where Linda will also be.

Speaking of: I ended up wandering over to the library automatically, and there she is. Maybe I was searching for her subconsciously. Damn it, maybe it's best if I just turn around and... she's spotted me. She's waving. Too late now.

"Oh hey, Cecilie!" she says as I walk over. At least she doesn't seem like she hates me now, nor does she seem upset. "I didn't see you around yesterday."

"Ah, yeah... I-I wasn't feeling well," I answer as I hesitantly take a seat by her. Not too close, but this is one of the times we usually study together. If I run away again... "I thought it was b-best if I took a d-day off." Damn it, stop stammering.

"Hm... well, you did seem a bit red on Monday." So she had noticed! Ugh... it's so hard to not squirm when she's looking at me like that. "Maybe you caught one of those 24-hour flus."

"Y-yeah, maybe..." I try to focus on taking out my text-books and notepad. These things are too heavy and expensive, honestly. It's not like we have a choice though...

"Are you sure you're okay now?" she asks. "You're looking a bit pale." I curse inwardly, and swallow my nervousness as I look towards her.

"I think I'm fine," I manage to say, my voice feeling steadier now. I put on the best smile I can manage. "A few remaining aches, but not enough to stay home another day." She looks a little concerned, but then smiles one of those smiles of hers that make me go weak in the knees. I'm really glad I'm already sitting.

"If you say so." Is there something knowing in the way she says that? I can't tell. Why did no one warn me that being in love was so hard? "I'll try to catch you up on what they covered yesterday," she offers.

I thank her, and do my best to pay attention. Afterwards we gradually settle into something that feels like normal again, where we mostly read and write by ourselves. My heart rate steadily calms down. _I can handle this. I can recover._

After about half an hour where we quietly study and only exchange a couple of comments, I feel like I'm in a familiar place again. This is fine.

I hit upon a passage that seems strange to me, and without really thinking about it I say: "Hey Linda, I'm not sure I get this part..."

"Which part?" she asks as she leans over to look into my book. _So close! Oh no, I can smell her shampoo._ I have to maintain my composure. Hang in there, me.

I try to swallow as discreetly as I can while I point at the passage that troubled me.

"Oh yeah! I was just there earlier. You see-" She starts explaining it to me, thankfully sitting back up in the process. I think I do quite well in paying attention and taking notes. _Go me!_ I can't stop myself from letting out a small sigh of relief as we both turn back to our respective textbooks. I can only hope she didn't hear that, or that if she did she didn't read anything into it.

A while later, maybe 15 minutes, I hear her make that noise she makes when she's pondering something.

"Hey Cecilie, can I get your opinion here?" I look over. It's not one of the subjects I take, but sometimes having a fresh pair of eyes might help anyway. I lean over to get a look at it, very aware of how close I'm getting. Maybe I hesitated a moment too long though, because she gives me a strange look I'm unable to interpret.

I give my best take on what she asked about, then turn back to my own book again. I am failing to concentrate on it though, as I'm too occupied with speculating on what that look meant. I'm not so stupid as to think she isn't aware something is up. I have probably been acting a little weird for a while, not just this Monday. But how much has she been able to figure out? What does she know? She has not pried so far, but considering my spectacular failure that might change.

A few minutes later she starts stretching. Even getting up from the chair and stretching to her full height, while making that noise people do. _Don't look. Don't look. Don't look._ Why does she have to be so cute? It's not making this any easier. She pauses for a moment, then sits back down.

"So what was it you wanted?" she asks suddenly. I look up to find her looking at me with an expression of curiosity.

"Huh?" I don't understand what she means at first, as I was so deep in my own thoughts.

"What was it you wanted? You know, on Monday?" Oh no, my fear is coming true. "You really looked like you were going to say something, before you..." She's clearly thinking about how she wants to phrase it. "... changed your mind," she settles on. With a kindness I'm not sure I can resist.

"I c-can't remember," I lie. Damn it, the stammer is back, and I'm probably turning red again. I don't think she's buying it, so I quickly add: "I-if it comes to m-mind again, I'll l-let you know." I try to smile reassuringly, but I doubt I succeed.

"Mm..." she still looks sceptical, but gives a small nod as if she's willing to accept it. "Okay. I hope you are able to remember," she adds with a wry smile. Argh, I can't let this sit for too long!

The rest of the time until the lecture passes in relative silence, only broken by me going to get us drinks from the vending machine. It's no use. My ability to study has been broken. All I can do is pretend, and hope she doesn't ask me anything else. Which she doesn't. I wonder whether that was partly due to being nice.

We get up and head to the lecture, where the first half passes with neither of us saying anything. I struggle so hard to pay attention, but I barely catch half of it, if that. Can I even ask to look over her notes when I was right there next to her? Maybe if I admit why I'm not able to concentrate... no. No way.

_Blargh._ As we reach the break, I put my head down on the bench-top in front of me, which I notice makes her look over at me. This is ridiculous! I'm a grown woman!

I sit up straight, maybe a little too quickly, as she looks a bit startled when I turn to face her. Here we go.

"U-um, Linda? Would y-you... I mean... d-do you want to go for pizza on Friday?" Yes. Good. We've gone to eat together before. This is normal. This is good. Oh gods, how must I look right now?

She gives me a puzzled look, which then turns bemused.

"Sure. The usual place?" I nod quickly, and try to not worry about how she may or may not be suppressing laughter. Forget about butterflies in the stomach, I think all my blood has turned to butterflies.

"Right then. When were you thinking?" she asks. Shit... when was I thinking? I go over it as quickly as I can. Last lecture ends at three, then I need to get home, get ready, and get back down there.

"Um... around six?" I settle on. I don't want it to be too late.

"Alright. Around six it is." She is definitely sounding amused now, but it's too late to worry about that. _I did it! She said yes!_ It takes all my remaining restraint to not outright cheer.

The second half of the lecture passes as silently as the first, though afterwards I realise I still wasn't able to pay attention due to being so happy and relieved.


	3. When The Moon Hits Your Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the pizza not-quite-date, and Cecilie has to fight not only her own nervousness, but Linda's impatience at wanting to know what is going on.

Friday came so fast. What do I wear? How much do I style myself up? Perfume? Why am I so bad at this?

This hasn't been a great week academically for me, but I can probably make up for that. More worrying for me is this date with the girl I'm in love with. If I fuck that up, it might be unfixable.

Is it even a date though? It's not like I've confessed my feelings yet. She just thinks we're going for food as friends like we have before. I mean, she must have noticed how weird I've been acting, but she probably hasn't guessed why. Right?

 _Argh, focus Cecilie! You have to decide what to wear!_ A dress? No, that's probably taking it too far. Yet jeans feels too casual for this. A skirt should be fine, right? It's still a bit chilly, but I can bear that.

Would this be easier if I was crushing on a guy? No, I don't see why that would make it easier. Different maybe, but not easier. I'd still be hopeless. It's not like I haven't been asked out before, I've just had no interest in pursuing a relationship. How did they do it? I can barely remember...

 _Focus!_ Okay, top and pantyhose are easy enough. I don't have that many that go with this skirt, so... this should be fine...

But what if this goes badly? What if she isn't into women? Or not even into the concept of romance? Or worse, what if she specifically isn't into me? _Argh!_ It's too late to worry about that now. If I don't at least try, I'm going to regret it. And things will be rather awkward for however long it will take me to get over it.

Shoes! High heels are definitely overkill. I'm already taller than her by a bit. If I wear heels, and she wears flats, I'll be like a head taller. If she wears heels, and I wear flats, we'll be closer to eye... level...

I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks at the mere thought. _Stop it!_ I have some nice, but not too nice flats. Those'll do. I know I'm overthinking this...

My hair's not too damp still, is it? No, it feels fine. What should I do with it? I have no idea if she has any preferences. It's not like I can just ask "so what sort of hairstyles do you like on girls" without inviting a load of questions in return. I should probably just keep it like I normally do, and make extra sure it's nice and neat.

And just a light dab of scent. Ah shit, look at the time. I'll have to hurry on the last preparations. And definitely remember to take phone and wallet.

\---

I made it on time for the subway, and I'm close to the pizza place. Oh gods, I'm so nervous. People can probably hear my heartbeat from metres away. Breathe. _Breathe._

I suggested pizza because I know our regular place has some secluded booths in the back. It's not exactly privacy, but close enough.

Okay, around this corner, and- oh. She's already here. That's okay, I thought she might be. She's dressed a little more casually than me... but she's still gorgeous.

"Hi, Linda!" I wave as she looks up. "I hope you've not been waiting long?"

"Nah, don't worry about it." She smiles then pauses for a moment, looking at my outfit I think. Do I look too weird?

"Not often I see you in a skirt," she comments, and I can feel myself blushing slightly. Hopefully not noticeably so. "Going elsewhere afterwards?"

"Ah, y-yeah, I mean no! I just... felt like..." The words get caught in my throat and I just trail off there. She looks at me for a moment longer, and I desperately wish I knew what she's thinking.

"Well, it looks good on you," she says finally. My blush has to be so visible right now.

"T-thanks," I manage to say as we head inside. Do you even know what you're doing to my heart?

It's thankfully not very crowded. I was banking on that with getting here this early. It usually doesn't start to really fill up until past eight.

"Could you order for us while I find a table?" I'm a little amazed at how steady my voice is. Because this is familiar territory, perhaps.

"Sure. What do you want?"

"Hm... taco pizza!" That was a little more enthusiastic than I intended. "And a large soda." She cracks a grin, probably at my outburst.

"Okay. I'll be right over then." She turns and heads over to the counter as I beeline for the booths in the back. All of them are empty, which I am also thankful for. We don't normally sit back here, but I honestly can't sit further up for this. I already feel like I'm dying from these nerves. If she thinks it's weird, then... she probably already thinks I'm being weird anyway.

I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts (again) that I don't notice her coming over until she's right by the table. She puts the drinks down, and I thank her. Also silently thank her for not bringing up the table location.

We start chit-chatting as we're waiting for the pizza. She said she ordered a large as she felt like the same. We chat about normal stuff. Weekend plans, podcasts, TV shows. It certainly feels like this pizza is taking a long time to arrive, and I still worry that the way my heart is racing is audible over to where she's sitting.

"So, what's up?" she suddenly asks just as I'm taking a drink, and I choke on it. I cough a while before I look up at her again. There's something in the way she said it.

"Pardon?" I say weakly, trying not to break into another coughing fit. She looks concerned, but that turns into a stern look as she keeps talking.

"Look, I'm not totally oblivious. You've been acting weird for weeks, and this week even more so." _Oh no._ "I decided to give you time to tell me on your own, but it's getting a bit silly, you know?" _Oh no._ I can't stop myself from shrinking in my seat a little. "... you're not acting normal, Cecilie. So, what's up?"

"I... I..." I do my best to not freak out. How much has she figured out? I knew she had to be aware of me being weird, but to be put on the spot like this has really thrown me off. Her strict expression has softened a bit, maybe to try to help me calm down? She doesn't seem that impatient any longer at least, but what do I do? I had hoped...

"I-I remembered what I was going to t-tell you..." I manage to get out. That's broad enough that it's technically not a lie. I didn't specify when I remembered it.

"Okay?" Her tone of voice clearly communicates that she wants me to just say it. I swallow.

"I-I'll tell y-you once the p-pizza is h-here..." I really don't want to be interrupted during this. She lets out an exasperated sigh, then softens again.

"Fine, but I'll hold you to that. You better not forget again." I'm not sure it's what she intended, but to me that sounds like an ultimatum. Please let the food arrive soon!

It's a couple of painful minutes before they arrive with the food, while I refuse to meet her gaze. There is absolutely no going back now.

I look up as the waiter walks away, and she's watching me. Has she been this whole time? For once she seems a lot bigger than me.

"O-okay... what I-I wanted to t-tell you... w-want to tell y-you..." I am so very aware of how much attention she's paying to me right now. "I... um... I..." Damn it, why is this so hard to get out!

"Linda!" _No, too loud, quiet down._ "I a-am... I-I mean... I h-have... fallen in love with you!" It all blurts out at once. Probably too loud again. "Will you... go out... with me..." My voice grows quieter with every word at the end there, and I'm not even sure she heard that last part.

She looks surprised, then her expression turns to realisation. She starts giggling, and I can feel my heart sinking. I stare down at the pizza while she laughs softly.

"Oh, is that what's going on? Haha, wow. It's all starting to make sense now. Why you were..." She pauses for a moment before she asks: "With me? Are you sure?"

I am silent for a few moments before I manage to squeak out a yes. I'm not sure how hurt I sound, but she suddenly begins to sound a bit panicked.

"Ah, no! I didn't mean it like that!" Even when looking down I can tell she's fidgeting, but I'm still too scared to look up. "I meant. I mean. Ah, hell. Cecilie, please. I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at... I was just... relieved? I guess? Fuck, I'm not saying this well..."

Relieved? At that I look up, and see that she's clearly struggling. I don't know how much of a mess I look like now. Am I crying? I can't tell. Only she can.

"Relieved?" I croak, not at all sure what she means.

"Yeah!" She sounds almost grateful to have something to latch on to. "I was getting worried, you know?" She is talking pretty fast. "I thought something was wrong with you, or that I had done something, or, or that someone had died, but then it turns out it's just-" She claps her hands over her mouth and I can hear a muffled curse. I blink a few times, and I think... is she starting to blush too?

"No, I mean..." she trails off, and it's my turn to start giggling. I can't stop myself. It seems to have all gone a bit absurd. I want to lay my head down on the table, but the pizza is in the way.

Linda ruffles her wonderful hair a bit. I guess she's still processing this. I'm feeling better, though. And she hasn't turned me down. Yet.

"I claim I'm not oblivious, yet somehow this possibility didn't occur to me. Even though it's so obvious in hindsight. I should have..." She sighs, then smiles at me. My heart is beating so incredibly fast. Hearts can't actually explode, right?

"Well, I guess that doesn't matter. I'm just glad I know now." She leans forward, rests her elbows on the table, and looks me right in the eyes while smiling. Maybe this is how I die.

"Sure, I'll go out with you."


End file.
